where did I leave my sweater?
where did I leave my sweater? where awww…
I think I must have left it in Santa Cruz
at that show I played at the University college ten dining commons multi-purpose room
yes I remember it all quite clearly now I was packing up my things
when a young female student said I sounded exactly like Jason Mraz
and it was then that I set down my sweater so as to appear natural and unoffended
as our conversation shifted to autographs and was then abruptly ended
when I signed her new CD “-Jason Mraz”
so tomorrow I’ll go to Mervyns tomorrow I’ll go to Mervyns tomorrow I’ll wake up early
I hope my sweater’s still on sale
I can see them all like vultures at the Cherokee Brand clearance rack and by the time I get through
all they’ll have left is XXXL
and if my sweater’s not on sale I will wait there until it is and I will shiver while I wait because it’s cold
and while I’m shivering while I’m waiting for my sweater to go on sale
I’ll imagine that girl from Santa Cruz being swallowed by a whale and blaming her new life in a whales belly on Jason Mraz
so I was standing in line at Mervyns and the guy in front of me was obviously wearing a toupee
and I started thinking to myself what if all of our lives are just really long one-act plays
in which we actors try desperately to be somebody else like…
hey, look at me I’ve got a fancy house somebody killed a cow and made my couch
I’ve got synthetic hair it’s Velcro’d to my head
and if that’s the case then I’m concerned that I’m too young to know the truth
and I’ll have to spend the next 65 years trying to recapture my youth
you know, there aren’t very many words that rhyme with Mraz
so when I go bald I’m shaving it off when I go bald I’m shaving it off when I go bald I’ll never ever wear a rug
I’ll let the neighbor kids draw dragonflies and beautiful Bengal tigers on my head when I go bald enough
and if my wife’s embarrassed by my tigers and she won’t be seen in public with me then I’ll divorce her
and the divorce will be quick and painless as far as divorces go
because she can keep the house she can keep the couch and whatever I left behind it
she can even have my sweater if she ever happens to find it
I’m moving out to the woods where I belong